Okay, stop laughing! My intentions are good. I bought a bike for basically three reasons:
- I think gas prices are going to keep rising in the near future. Unless we really decide as a nation and actually get off our pompous asses and start sacrificing something, we will always be dependent on foreign oil…chaotic stupidity.
- I’m trying to become a conscious consumer; I want to be aware and knowledgable of how the environmental changes happening affect me personally and my community generally. I want to contribute, become a part of the green movement and do what I can to make a difference however big or small. Soon you will be able to visit me at www.oneadaygreen.com where I will share my green journey by doing one new thing green every day. I want to do it this way so that I don’t feel like I’m being deprived of anything and not so overwhelming by it all that I stop…chaotic greenery.
- And lastly, I remember the joy I felt riding a bike throughout my life. I remember riding as a kid, then as a teenager. Once I learned how to dirve and got my learners permit, riding a bike became passe. I want to rediscover my youth in some ways. But mostly, I need to get my butt off the couch and this is a great form of exercise. Below are pictures of my bike and helmet…chaotic Joy.
As always, be well
CF
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
www.chaoticfat.com
I am not one who worries or gets stressed out about things easily and thankfully that still holds true. That being said, I have been under a great deal of stress lately, worrying about a family member’s health. For almost a month, this member was misdiagnosed and we finally learned that she had diverticulitis. It is a digestive disease which forms pouches outside the colon. She has gone through a round of antibiotics and soon will have a colonscopy; the next step is changing her diet so that she eats more fibrous foods which is proving to be difficult. She can no longer eat dairy and needs to cut down drastically on sugar; getting her to comply and to basically eat more like me is like pulling teeth. I try little things like buying soy ice cream, and soy milk, etc. We already have a lot of beans and veggies and whole wheat and whole grains in the house, now I just have to get her to eat them. She is a small woman and since getting sick has lost some weight which is freaking her out, which is in turn freaking me out. For a time she wasn’t eating anything at all; she has always been a junk food, crappy food, fast food eating individual whose weight hovers around 120 -125, her weight went down to 114, but is now around 116. Like I said she is a small woman, so that 5-6lb loss is very noticeable. A side note, I have found that she is excessively vain which is cute and funny. We went to the hospital for a check up and she got a couple of cat calls and that made her feel good, which made me feel good.
I know this has nothing to do with my weight struggles, but I just needed to talk about it. Thanks for letting me de-stress and decompress.
As always, be well
CF
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
www.chaoticfat.com
I need to blow off some steam right now so please excuse any excessive expletives.
It was my intention not to ever watch the new weight loss show on TLC — I Can Make You Thin, but last night I purposely reminded myself that it was coming on so I could check it out. I watched a few minutes and this guy started saying he was going to make you thin through the television; I changed the channel. Then I thought okay, give him the benefit of the doubt; so some time later I turned back to the show and this time the host was telling people to tap away their cravings; give me a fucking break. I am so tired of people trying to sell Americans a bunch of bull shit, instead of trying to sell the truth…Get up off your ass and exercise and put the fork down and stop eating too much food. That’s what we need to be sold on, the fast-food we are eating is killing us. Get back into the kitchen and cook healthy foods, stop eating that crappy processed food shit you are being sold on. Wake the hell up America, no one can stop this madness but us.
Move your ass and close your mouth.
Okay, I’m done.
As always, be well
CF
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
www.chaoticfat.com
So far this year, I have been exploring my inner being and who I really am, or at least who I think I am and how my fat plays a part in that. I am trying to figure out where my hunger, greed and need for more started and how my ego is a part of those needs. I am trying to figure out how my ego feeds my need to never feel inferior to anyone, but my ego relishes my ability to feel superior when it’s necessary to save myself from my perceived notion of inferiority.
I know this all sounds like this woman maybe sliding off the roof or something, but I want to truly understand why I got fat in the first place so that I never have to worry about this again. The statistics for regaining weight are very high and I don’t want to be a part of that statistic.
I always thought I had a healthy self esteem and I am finding out that maybe it wasn’t so healthy, but was a mask for feelings of inferiority. My mask was my way of getting through this life relatively unscathed by life’s harsher dimensions and eating and getting fat helped me hide because when you’re fat you become mostly invisible to the rest of the world.
I won’t say here, but I believe I know the exact series of events that helped me lose the inherent confidence I had as a child. It’s unfortunate that we don’t recognize the point at which we help to change the human being a child was to become and instead of appreciating children for who they are we want to make them who we think they should be. Once the process has begun the rest of the world recognizes the child’s vulnerability and pounces on it.
Now I am left to clean up this mess and it is turning out to be quite a clean up job. Learning to really be responsible for who you are, what you feel and how you react to the world is hard, but extremely liberating. I am freeing myself from the wounds, real or perceived that I have been carrying around and covering up with food for many many years.
I am still a Non-Smoker 
As always, be well
CF
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
www.chaoticfat.com
I have to say, that I didn’t expect to get much out of this fitness book; it seemed 
stereotypically typical and not much different than all the others. The most interesting and useful part of this book for me came at the very end. As a matter of fact it is anchored on the back cover of the book; that is the DVD that is included with several 6 minute exercise routines that are manageable and doable even at my weight. The music isn’t the greatest and Tracey Mallett the fitness expert who wrote the book can be a little annoying at times, but I just put on my iPod and completely tune her and the music out and make the DVD work for me or my own terms.
As always, be well
CF
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
www.chaoticfat.com
I have been decluttering my bedroom by rearranging some furniture and I have a vanity w/mirror that was previously in a position where I couldn’t see my torso. The other day I was walking to the bathroom and just happened to catch a glimpse of myself in that mirror in it’s new location. I haven’t really looked at my body in a long time; I had forgotten how I used to love it and that little glimpse led to me taking my clothes off and really looking at every nook and cranny of my body; I even caught a glimpse of my soul. I surprised myself with feelings of love and a bit of admiration; I don’t hate my body at all, I sincerely love every bulge and fold, every dimple and stretch mark. I recommend that everyone go to the mirror and take a long hard look; you might be surprised by what you find.
I’m still a non-smoker, I can actually take in a full strong breath now…yea me!
Be well, CF
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
www.chaoticfat.com
Hey everyone. I hope all is well and you are still having great weight-loss success. I am glad to be back and ready to begin again with a greater clarity of mind and greater knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses.
Over the past year I learned a lot about myself and figured out that getting rid of the chaos one step at a time works best for me. So the first thing I had to do was figure out what all the chaos in my life was about; then I had to figure out what to get rid of first. The first thing on my list was to get real and stop the number one thing hurting me and my progress. I wasn’t able to admit it to myself last year, but today is a new day, so here goes.
I HAVE FINALLY PUT DOWN THE CIGARETTES. YES, I WAS A PROLIFIC SMOKER AND I HAVE STOPPED KIDDING MYSELF. I HAVE ADMITTED AND I HAVE LET THEM GO.
It is very difficult because I am having those phantom feelings. But I am learning to replace my feelings when this phenomenon occurs. It feels really freaky sometimes though; like when I am driving and I have the urge to look in my bag for a cigarette and light up while driving or after dinner when I usually smoke to cap off the meal with a cig. I am learning to look at these times differently and start new habits. I finally got my new computer and I am learning how to design/create blogs from scratch so that is taking up a lot of my down time. Learning computer programming languages is no joke. Sometime this year, I will have completed the new design for my blog which will include a monthly vlog and chaoticfat swag.
I am not really worried about weight gain/loss right now because I really have to concentrate on this. I am trying to save my life in stages and stopping smoking needs to come first. I gained a lot of weight last year, so I will be starting fresh on that front (I went crazy on my hiatus). So, wish me luck on my journey this year and hopefully I will come out on top with certain goals being met when all is said and done next December.
Have a great year on your journey and I will see you on the other side.
As always, be well,
CF
www.chaoticfat.com
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
Don’t give up on me, I’ll be back real soon. I needed a little hiatus from a lot of things and this just happened to be one of them. When I come back, hopefully it will be at my new web address www.chaoticfat.com with a new look and a new attitude.
Have a wonderful holiday season and take care.
Be well, CF
www.chaoticfat.com
“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for recommending the book Body Clutter. 
I am only on page three and the self analysis has truly begun. I am trying to find out why I have this bottomless pit of hunger and never feel quite full. One thing I have learned is that I feel guilty for not better protecting the little girl I used to be. Again, I am only on page three so this is going to one hell of a road to real and authentic self discovery. Lisamm — Books on the Brain you rock. I will be eternally grateful to you.
Be well, CF
I am so embarrassed to have to post that I gained 9.2 lbs…but, it is what it is. That damn Tanita is too accurate and I can’t hide from or lie to the friends who read this blog or to myself who reads the scale in all it’s accurate glory. I am disappointed but not discouraged that I now weigh a tiny bit over my starting weight. Knocking myself in the head…WHAT DID I JUST SAY?…YES, I WEIGH JUST OVER MY STARTING WEIGHT! This sh*t is so f*!king hard, please excuse my language, but I am so damn mad right now.
I do have one thing to say… iPod — SchmiPod. Okay, so I can’t blame the iPod, but I sure as hell want to blame something other than myself. I really have fallen in love with Chaotic my little piece of electronic wonderment.
I think right now I am soooo anticipating the new year that I am over eating a lot. I’ve done the 10lb. holiday weight gain before the dang-blasted holidays. My ass is so backwards sometime. I keep feeling like I have to resign myself to being obese for the rest of my life and then the next day I resign myself to stop the “stinkin thinkin.” I feel like I am aimlessly wondering through a verbal juggernaut with myself all the time. I can’t get my “being” to coordinate with my wants and desires.
This is so damn hard….
Be well, CF
