Monthly Archives: May 2007

Weekend Observations

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I am obese and I know it. I don’t shy away from it or pretend that I don’t see it. No one has ever made a rude comment to my face or been mean to me, partly because I wouldn’t tolerate being treated with anything other than respect. However, this Memorial Day weekend and over the last couple of weeks I have noticed little things that people do that I never really paid attention to before.

  1. Some people look at you with disdain while others smile the sweetest smiles. I guess that must be pity. Which pisses me off, because I don’t want anyone to pity me because I don’t pity myself.
  2. My family loves me, but at times they encourage me to be sedentary. It’s like sometimes they don’t want me to move because they are afraid it will hurt me or give me a great deal of discomfort. I love them, but they have got to stop it NOW. Since I have started an exercise program, I will have a great deal of discomfort until I lose some weight and my body adjusts. Please stop loving me to death.
  3. Some men are just Fucking Rude, their egos are so gi-normous. They won’t hold the door for FAT women which is absolutely insane to me. I am at a point in my life where MEN are the furthest thing from my mind, but when I do start dating again, I feel sorry for the first man in my life after the fat. He will probably catch hell; here and now I officially apologize for my bad behavior.
  4. People in certain restaruants really do look at you while you eat; I’ve heard of this, but never thought it really happened. It’s like you have no right to sit down with your family and friends to enjoy a meal. I don’t even think it’s about what you are eating, I think it’s the fact that you have the audacity to put a fork up to your mouth and actually eat anything at all — when there a children starving in Africa. They look at you like sustenance for you is extra. Give me a fucking break and get over yourselves…there but for a bout of depression, a really really bad breakup, a dibilitating accident or illness, or a sudden desire to just eat everything within eyesight goes you. Remember, most of the people in this country are FAT!

Believe it or not, I had a great weekend! I don’t let what someone else thinks of or about me control who I am or what I do. It just doesn’t matter enough for me to be concerned.

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Even my hair hurts

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Everything on my body hurts right now. I did part two of my exercise last night before I went to class (I started taking a graphic design class last night). I was good for 10 minutes on the treadmill which is great because I only expected to be able to do 2-5minutes. That was not the end of my workout, I drove to class and had to park far from the school, which in the grand scheme of things is a good thing. I parked, scarfed down my dinner ( a Wendy’s Chicken Caesar Salad (no croutons and I make my own dressing) and headed off to class.

First, I had to climb a hill to get to the first building only to find out that my class is “Up the Hill” in the other building. Needless to say I was virtually out of breath by the time I got to the 2nd building. My purse became a 15lb. weight, I almost left it on the sidewalk to fend for itself. I felt like Fred Flinstone working in the rock quarry. Once I got to the top of the steps of course I had to sit my ass down to catch my breath; all of a sudden I break out in a sweat like you wouldn’t believe.  Finally, I walk through the front door sweating like a sow on the run in eastern North Carolina in the middle of summer — where it is so damn hot, you can see the heat. It is not a “Dry Las Vegas Heat,”  which I’ve never quite understood; when I went to Vegas it was hot as hell and I was no more comfortable. I’m just an air conditioning kind of girl. In other words, I like the Fall.

Anyway, when I finally get my parking pass and reader card, I ask where my class is located and of course it’s on the 2nd floor which at this point seems like the 100th floor. As I wiped the sweat from my brow once again I asked is there an elevator? YES was the answer. Thank You God.

So, class lets out at 9:30pm, I walk to my car, stop at the local Walgreens and head home. Inside my front door and the first thing I see are stairs, my nemisis for the night. Up the steps I go; I fell into my bed. I couldn’t get comfortable, every position hurt and I had a difficult time falling asleep, but, I did.

Waking up the next morning I knew there would be some aching, but I couldn’t unbend stuff. The only things that didn’t hurt were my eyes, but I got up and started my day knowing that exercise would be on the to-do list. And I did, Yea Me!

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Pilates…Oh My!

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Today I had my first workout in what felt like years. I’m doing it in two parts and I just finished the first. I tried pilates and I could barely do the moves but it was fantastic. I tried very hard and I am so proud of myself for the effort. It was awesome, I broke a sweat and everything. I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.

I am using the Pilates beginning mat workout by GAIAM with Ana Cabán. Ana makes you feel comfortable and she is so non-threatening. She gives you a sense of being in your body and you want to do better, to meet the challenge. Joseph Pilates says the following and I am going to hold him to it:

  1. 10 Sessions – feel better
  2. 20 Sessions – look better
  3. 30 Sessions – new body

By the 30th session I will have the routine perfected. I am really so excited. Probably more because I didn’t make up some excuse not to exercise and I followed through. I mean, I looked ridiculous, but I feel good now. This is actually making me cry. I weigh so much and most of the time I can’t see the other side but today I can see. This sounds so cliche, but today is the first day of… a new attitude, a new purpose, a new thought process; it has taken me a long time to get here. My determination has become so palpable I can almost touch it. Things are going to change for me now…I AM A HEALTHY BODY

I also want to thank all of you guys who take the time out of your busy day to read what I write; I don’t feel so alone. Thanks so much.

This afternoon is part two – treadmill, elliptical machine or both. Wish me luck!

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

My Tivo Gets Me

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It’s funny how a television commercial can make you evaluate your life. My tivo gets me, made me think, who “gets me,” will I ever allow anyone to “get me.” I don’t think so. I don’t think I will ever trust enough to open myself up to allow the act of “getting me” to happen. That’s okay right now. I’m concentrating on my own happiness and I want the treadmill and the elliptical machine to “get me” and if I get into trouble, well hell, I’ll just buy a tivo, because I know, “My Tivo Will Get Me.”

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Dang Blast “Those People”

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Dang blast those people who bake too many damn cookies, cupcakes and pies at home, then bring that crap to work to pawn off on unsuspecting sugar deprived fat co-workers. And dang blast all the employees that didn’t bother to have a cupcake yesterday (myself included). They would be gone today peeeeople.

My willpower was strong. I resisted all day yesterday. This  morning I went to the refrigerator to get my breakfast, and there they were — chocolate chocolate (“slap yo mama”) cupcakes. You see, the woman who makes this particular bane of my existence goodie, is one hell of a baker.

Once I found that the CCs were still in the fridge, I tried to avoid them like the plague (it was like playing “I see you, no you don’t”). I expended so much energy trying not to eat them, I think I lost a pound, I feel lighter. It took every ounce of strength I had to use my powers of rationalization to think of something else.

 “Of course, we may be reminded about a diet, and we know we shouldn’t eat the forbidden food, but people have great powers of rationalization. Our excuses flow into mind with perfect ease.” – robert e. thayer, PH.D.

I resisted those dang blasted cupcakes…hooray for me! Now if we can only send a memo out to “Those People” that bake.

There are those of us who are trying to lose weight and having the added task of avoiding your goodies can cause an aneurysm, teeth grinding, erratic pacing, hallucinations and most importantly extra poundage.

So, STOP IT!

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Take That MasterCard

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1 Airline ticket to New York: $200

Dinner for 2 at The Melting Pot: $100

Rachel Ray EVOO tee-shirt: $25

Spending the day laughing, cuddling and watching movies with my Mom: Priceless

All the other stuff was great, but just spending time with my Mom doing what she really wanted to do was awesome. She enjoyed it and that is what mattered most.

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Losing weight…losing your mind

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I have a cold right now and I feel pretty crappy; but the first thing I thought was, “this should be good for at least 2 or 3 pounds.” Is that sick or what. I’m not happy that I have a cold, but if it will help me lose a few pounds, then cough on sister cough on. Never-mind the aching, sneezing, watery eyes, headache, sinus blockage, etc. Never-mind…I’ve got to reach my mini goal weight; come on, MAN-UP, you can push through the pain. Am I completely insane or am I hallucinating that I can swim, bike and run through the IronMan triathlon right now (in another life sweetie). I think I am losing my mind while trying to lose weight.

Now check this out, my breakfast today (which I am eating a little late at 10:00am) is a Wasa Multigrain cracker and about 5 walnuts. Believe it or not, this was not by design; this is what’s available to me right now, I’m hungry and so far I can’t complain, it tastes pretty good. I know this is going to come back and bite me in the ass, and probably leave a mark, but right now, this minute, I just have to deal. My head hurts, my eye is about to explode and I want to go home…NOW!

Look, don’t pay any attention to this post. I AM SICK, I AM IN A HALLUCINOGENIC STATE, I’M CRAZY. THIS MAY NOT BE REAL…I’ll tell you tomorrow when I wake up.

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Mmm Mmm Good

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Now that I have started eating to live instead of living to eat, I am trying the many recipes that I have found online and elsewhere. Some of them are really good and I will feature one whenever I feel one is just too good to keep to myself.                              

One thing I feel would be criminal to keep to myself are Fudgsicles. They satisfy so many cravings, its unbelievable. I eat one if I want chocolate, or ice cream, or something sweet, fudgsicle-3.pngor cold, or creamy; I could go on, but you get the idea. A lot of dieters know about these things, so you have to be quick on the draw and scoop up a couple of boxes while on your grocery shopping trip because they go fast.

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Fall Girl Fall

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fat-woman-over-the-balcony.jpeg 

This Fernando Botero painting depicts exactly how I feel; like a woman falling with her dress up around her head exposing her naughty bits to the world.

I got on the scale today and guess what…I gained weight. It made me think of something I heard on Oprah the other day about cleaning up the clutter in your home/life. My bedroom is the “House of Clutter” that I believe is blocking me from finding the peace that I seek. My clutter has become a metaphor for my life; messy, junky, full, overloaded, bunched together, sloppy, repeated, piled up, bloated, fat and generally a living hell. I have got shit everywhere and I can’t seem to get rid of it no matter how hard I try. The mess is too overwhelming and I need to hire an organizer to help me get this together. I haven’t been purging and it is blocking me from losing; I’m still hoarding things and food.

One good thing I did do was start eating better again. I have stopped eating all of the garbage I have been gobbling down for the past two weeks. Tuesday morning I went to the grocery store before work and bought salad greens, string cheese, veggie coldslaw, wasa crackers, walnuts, almonds, avacado, turkey, laughing cow cheese, lean cusine whole grain lunches, etc. I am getting back on track and that’s a good thing.

So fall girl fall, you can always get back up. We fall down and we get up, so says Donnie McClurkin.

As always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube

Three 6 Mafia

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Tonight to relieve the boredom, I started channel surfing and landed on HollyHood an MTV reality show staring the Oscar winning rap trio Three 6 Mafia. I come in somewhere in the middle to find that the cast is having a weight loss contest. I’m watching and one at a time, three fat men get on the scale to find out their starting weight and I realize (consciously or subconsciously) that I am fatter than the Three 6 Mafia entourage, I weigh more than each of them individually. I all of a sudden feel like I’m drowning and I can’t catch my breath…Oh crap, I’m hyperventilating. This has got to be a joke.

I’m fatter than the three big ass men (Project Pat, Big Triece and Computer) in the Three 6 Mafia entourage…what the hell! Do I need a brick to fall on my head? Do I need a brick or a paradigm shift. This is insane, but most days I don’t feel motivated to do anything, I am in this mindset…a funk.

Oh fuck, I need to get up off my ass and do something or I am going to die, plain and simple. You would think that my writing that statement and the thought of me actually dying would give me a feeling of motivation, sadness, fear or something, but I got nothing, just some words on a blog that don’t mean shit. I have been stuffing my feelings in food for so long that I am all felt out. You need to ”Hug it out, Bitch.”

I intended this blog to be funny and engaging and it’s turning out sad and depressing. I might be able to chalk all of this angst up to Period PMS, lets hope so or I may need to acquire a bottle of some mood altering drug like Prozac or Zoloft…any kind of happy pill will do.

Blog Widget by LinkWithinAs always, be well CF “Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu Watch me on Youtube