My first reaction was, did you just call me a man? My first thought was, damn I have really let myself disintegrate into nothingness. I guess I have accepted my fat so much that I am not seeing myself as I really am; my body image is hella distorted and right now my self-esteem is really fu@ked up. I really just stopped caring once I got to a certain level of obesity; I assumed I would be this way for the rest of my life and being invisible to the world wasn’t that bad. Except, you are not really invisible…hey, someone just thought I was a man.

My heart is breaking and I must do something. I have to change my trajectory, find another life path because this one is no longer working for me. I mean come on, he called me “SIR” twice and didn’t really realize the mistake until I said something. My ego can’t handle that; I used to look like this (pic on left) and now I look like this (pic on right). It’s tragic!

As always, be well
CF

I love seeing the love between these two beautiful people. It makes me envious, but envious in a good way. They make you want to strive to reach the level of love, trust, communication and respect they have for each other. The photo below is a prime example; they just look blissful.

 

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks Posted September 26, 2008 | 08:50 AM (EST)

The Obama Relationship: A Major Benefit Nobody’s Talking About

One of the greatest benefits of an Obama presidency is hidden in plain sight: the relationship between Michelle and Barack. They provide a great role model of a healthy relationship, at a time when such models are sorely needed.

For example…
Imagine having a president who is not distracted from the nation’s business by the stresses of secrets in the presidential marriage.

Imagine having a president who likes his partner and values her as an equal, a president who touches his wife affectionately in public and actually listens to her when she talks!

Fortunately we don’t have to imagine it, because we already have that potential at the tip of our voting fingers. For Americans, one of the most important aspects of an Obama presidency is being overlooked: the model of a healthy relationship. In the 28 years of our own marriage, we’ve worked with more than 4,000 couples in our office and seminars, so we have a reasonably good idea of what kinds of behavior one sees in a healthy relationship. For example, Michelle and Barack do something we’ve never seen before in a presidential couple: they actually look directly at each other when they’re speaking to each other. They also laugh at each other’s humor, and they allow their sexual attraction for each other to be visible. Contrast that with other presidential marriages, in which the sexual attraction to each other was not visible but their sexual attraction to others became highly visible. Michelle and Barack talk openly about their feelings for each other. They’re real.

Why would their relationship be a benefit to the American public and the world at large? The main reason is that it would be genuinely useful to have a visible, public role model of what a healthy relationship looks like. Over the last fifty years there’s been a parade of not-so-great relationship models in the White House. They range from idol-worship (Nancy’s perpetually-adoring glaze, oops we mean gaze, at Ronnie) to the sternly maternal façade of the first Mrs. Bush. We’ve witnessed White House marriages strained to the breaking point by secrets. The country lost 50 million dollars and a year of the government’s focus because one president actually did have sex with “that woman” but wouldn’t tell us the truth until he was outed by DNA.

How about Camelot? Many of us were fooled into thinking the Kennedys were the very picture of a Perfect Relationship. There was a handsome, rich Prince with knockout hair, coupled with a doll-Princess whose faraway smile and breathy, little-girl voice made her seem heaven-sent. Unfortunately, it was all just a fantasy. In reality, John was a serial philanderer and Jackie was a chain-smoker who swore like a sailor and dropped the little-girl voice the moment she walked off-stage. There’s no way to measure the productivity that was lost because the president’s staff had to earn part of their government salaries ushering women in and out of the White House, all with exquisite timing (and with the look-the-other-way collusion of the media.)

However, you don’t have to go back in that far in history to see a strange or strained White House marriage. Have you ever seen the current occupant of the White House speak, much less listen, to his wife in public? For example, do we ever get to hear from the real Laura Bush, the one who disagrees completely with the far-right views of her husband on such matters as women’s reproductive rights? No, because she’s been muzzled, like most of her predecessors, and sealed off behind the glazed smile of the Perfect Presidential Wife.

It’s high time we got to see an honest, loving, real relationship in the White House. If you’re like us, you probably don’t want to spend the next four years hearing how much the perfectly-coiffed Mrs. McCain has spent on her outfit, which of their nine houses they’re weekending at or which of their thirteen cars they’re wheeling around in. There’s something bigger to worry about, though. If the actuarial tables have any predictive value, a McCain presidency would soon become a Palin presidency, and that is a scenario truly frightening to contemplate.

President Palin would be desperately trying to comprehend and handle business during one of the most trying times in our nation’s history, while taking care of a special needs baby, riding herd on pregnant teenagers, foul-mouthed hockey-jock son-in-laws and other household dramas. On the brighter side, a Palin White House would provide one exciting possibility for our increasingly tabloid-obsessed culture: the perfect capstone for Jerry Springer’s career! He would make an ideal Chief of Staff or Sergeant-At-Arms, charged with keeping the gun-totin’, hockey-stick-wielding clan from wrecking the furniture (and each other) or blowing away a moose for sport on the White House lawn.

Here’s a better idea: Elect Barack Obama. That way, we get the gift of seeing two people having an easeful friendship with each other. We get as a role model two people who communicate with each other as equals and stand beside each other as true partners. If we elect Barack Obama we are electing a new possibility in our relationship lives as a nation: respect, affection and authenticity. Michelle and Barack speak clearly and openly. You know she won’t bullshit you or embarrass you by playing the demure little wife. We’re ready to see that kind of relationship, and we hope you are, too. The question is: are we as a nation ready to end our national addiction to duplicity, phony adoration and Stepford wifedom in the White House? If not, we’re going to get what we deserve.

We have a chance now to make a real difference in the world. If we elect Barack Obama, we can all focus on the critical challenges that must be met now. Speaking personally, we feel a sense of warmth and pride when we think about the support and love the Obamas have for each other. We breathe easier when we see how they live their lives with balance, honesty and clarity. They’re the real deal. In November, let’s give ourselves this new mirror of our own value.

As always, be well

CF

Barack the Vote!…and get to see a healthy, equal, loving marital relationship in the White House.

Remember when you were a child and saw a fat lady in the mall and you turned to your mom and said, “Hey mommy where did her ankles go?” Your mom dutifully says to you, “Shh…it is not polite to point and we’ll discuss this when we get home.”

Well, I’m sure there are many little girls out there pointing and asking their moms where my ankles have gone; I never wanted to be a person with cankles, but here I am. I have always loved wearing beautiful shoes and admiring my calves, ankles and feet nicely arched in a pair of pumps. Now, all I have are cankles…ugh! They are not attractive at all and they hurt. It feels like my skin is pulling all the time and when I eat something particularly salty, and sit at my computer all night, my feet and ankles seem to balloon up to abnormal proportions. It’s maddening.

But alas, I have a confession to make, I am still buying beautiful pumps and stuffing my fat cankle laden feet into them and admiring the view in my head of ankles of old, where there was a beautiful ankle bone protruding that made the area from the back of your ankle to your heal look fabulous. I put them on and reminisce; I don’t dare walk in them (that’s excruciating) but I do like imagining. Now all I see are these ugly fat cankles.

Cankles, cankles, cankles. Can you tell I’m obsessed with cankles right now. I find that at night in bed if I elevate my feet with pillows I get some relief.

Obesity Side Effect: CANKLES

As always, be well

CF

I started this blog a year ago to talk about my weight loss struggles and I will continue to do that, but I also have stuff to say about other topics and I am going to “mix it up a bit” on this blog from now on. I will talk about everything from stuffing my feelings with food to regurgitating my opinion about the politics of the day. You may not like my opinions, but they’re just like…well you know, everybody has one and I need to express mine.

Don’t worry, I will still talk a lot about the fat that has found a profound comfort on my body and unfortunately on my soul. I will still talk about the trials and tribulations of trying to deal with the affects this fat is having on my body and self-esteem. As a matter of fact, my next post will be about the dreaded cankle phenomenon and how that is currently blowing my mind.

So bare with me and come along for the ride, I think you’ll enjoy it.

As always, be well

CF

“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu

www.chaoticfat.com

So far this year, I have been exploring my inner being and who I really am, or at least who I think I am and how my fat plays a part in that. I am trying to figure out where my hunger, greed and need for more started and how my ego is a part of those needs. I am trying to figure out how my ego feeds my need to never feel inferior to anyone, but my ego relishes my ability to feel superior when it’s necessary to save myself from my perceived notion of inferiority. 

I know this all sounds like this woman maybe sliding off the roof or something, but I want to truly understand why I got fat in the first place so that I never have to worry about this again. The statistics for regaining weight are very high and I don’t want to be a part of that statistic.

I always thought I had a healthy self esteem and I am finding out that maybe it wasn’t so healthy, but was a mask for feelings of inferiority. My mask was my way of getting through this life relatively unscathed by life’s harsher dimensions and eating and getting fat helped me hide because when you’re fat you become mostly invisible to the rest of the world.

I won’t say here, but I believe I know the exact series of events that helped me lose the inherent confidence I had as a child. It’s unfortunate that we don’t recognize the point at which we help to change the human being a child was to become and instead of appreciating children for who they are we want to make them who we think they should be. Once the process has begun the rest of the world recognizes the child’s vulnerability and pounces on it.

Now I am left to clean up this mess and it is turning out to be quite a clean up job. Learning to really be responsible for who you are, what you feel and how you react to the world is hard, but extremely liberating. I am freeing myself from the wounds, real or perceived that I have been carrying around and covering up with food for many many years.

I am still a Non-Smoker

As always, be well

CF

“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu

www.chaoticfat.com

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for recommending the book Body Clutter. I am only on page three and the self analysis has truly begun. I am trying to find out why I have this bottomless pit of hunger and never feel quite full. One thing I have learned is that I feel guilty for not better protecting the little girl I used to be. Again, I am only on page three so this is going to one hell of a road to real and authentic self discovery. Lisamm — Books on the Brain you rock. I will be eternally grateful to you.

Be well, CF

I wanted to share a post from the “Notes from the Fatosphere” listed on the right side of this blog. It’s pretty awesome and reminds me of the lyrics to the TLC song Unpretty.

Here is an excerpt:

 You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.

Below is a link to the full post on the blog “A Dress A Day”:

http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty.html

Pretty, beauty, happy and a healthy self-esteem should come from no one but you. We need to be the arbiters of our own inner and outer destiny on our walk through this life. Let no one tell you who or what you are, decide that for yourself and make it happen.

Enjoy, CF