Below is my first blog post from 2007. I’m repeating it because everything in it still holds true; almost nothing has changed. Although that makes me sad, it also makes me ANGRY that I’ve allowed this to get so bad and untenable. Enjoy the post dated January 29, 2007.
I was going to start this blog with the definition of chaos and fat, but we all know what those things mean so I won’t waste the time. I guess I need to define what they mean to me and why I have named my blog “Chaotic Fat.” There was so much noise and chaos and confusion rattling around in my head that it was blocking my ability to see myself and my body for what it really is; Fat. I couldn’t see the fat and how it was overwhelming me daily. The Chaotic Fat was blocking my ability to do something about the pain in my knees; blocking my inability to walk upstairs or for short distances without being totally winded; blocking my ability to know why I was so sleepy by mid-afternoon; blocking my ability to clean myself in a normal way. I couldn’t see anything for the Fat. There was screaming going on in my head and I wouldn’t listen, I couldn’t listen. If I did that, then I would have to do something about it. I would have to silence the chaos and fix me. I would have to stop lying to myself and tell the truth as it is, not as I desparately wanted it to be.
I lead a pretty normal life; you could even say it’s mundane. I had no idea how much internal chaos was going on in my head and how that was affecting my subconscious mind or the way I thought about and used food, or the way I thought about myself or my body. I always thought I loved every part of my body with just a few exceptions (I will talk about that sometime later), but somewhere along the line I had a shift in thought about me and my worth. Well, I am ready to take this journey home to me. I am ready to be the glorious woman that I know that I am. I am ready to do all the things I am holding myself back from doing. I am ready to feel worthy of love and peace and to have both in my life.
This is just be beginning…come along and ride on this fantastic voyage. I know that’s a line from a song, but it just felt right.
Symbol for Chaos
Be love, CF